Who says Men and Women can’t be Friends?

 

 

‘Men and women cyah be jus friends!’ I heard this remark a lot from my friends and family while I was growing up in Trinidad and Tobago. But, as I got older, I realised this idea that ‘men and women can’t be friends’ stemmed from the heterosexism in our society, where men and women’s primary function was seen as biological reproduction and also because our gender norms and expectations came from this idea of a ‘natural’ man-woman relationship. Romance and sexual tension were expected to be the basis of these relationships. But I had supportive relationships with my friends who were male. This did not change as we all got older. There was no grand declaration of loyalty or support, yet in their presence, I felt seen, valued and understood.  

For my mini-ethnography in Caribbean Anthropology, I wanted to look at how my friend group expresses care for each other without buying into the idea that men and women cannot be friends without a romantic connection. Liming or hanging out with my friends, in the role of an ethnographer, sharpened my understanding of how care could be – and was – expressed in platonic friendships. It was through a layered combination of language, physical gestures and shared actions. I also noticed some differences in behaviours and expressions. While the dynamic of care was visible through verbal affirmations and physical closeness between same-gender friends, care across genders was more subtle. Emotional connection was expressed by using terms that evoked brotherhood or kinship like, “later brother” or “wha happening dawg?” Within the Caribbean, while “brother” or “dawg” are often used among male friends, in this context, it was used by both my male and female friends with each other. Physical gestures, such as a hug, often accompanied these expressions, signalling that they were not romantic in nature. We also reminded each other to be safe while we were out and asked about our friends’ emotions. I realised that care across genders was sustained through ongoing, everyday practices that simultaneously foster connection and reinforce limits. Cross-gender interactions within my friend group showed me that care doesn’t have to be big gestures, but is embedded in everyday behaviours. So, I could have a great relationship with my male friend and doh have to study that he like meh in that way!

By Amaya Patrick